Donald Trump will heal the Earth

The only US president to oversee a reduction in CO2 emissions in 2020 will heal our planet in the next 4 years.

In a groundbreaking announcement that has left both economists and environmentalists speechless, President Donald Trump revealed his innovative solution to climate change: more tariffs. “Nobody knows tariffs better than me, folks. We’re going to tariff our way to the cleanest environment you’ve ever seen,” Trump declared.

The plan, dubbed “The Green Wall,” proposes a series of “beautiful, tremendous tariffs” on everything that moves across borders. “When things stop moving, they stop polluting. It’s simple science, folks,” Trump explained, tapping his temple knowingly.

First, by making international shipping prohibitively expensive, cargo ships will be forced to stay in port, where they’ll “look very pretty, like decorations.” This will immediately reduce maritime emissions to zero.

The plan also addresses air pollution. “Airlines? Gone. Why fly when you can’t afford to buy anything overseas? Problem solved.” When reminded that people might want to travel for tourism, Trump suggested they could “just watch travel shows on TV. High ratings!”

Manufacturing will naturally return to America, where factories will run on “clean, beautiful coal” that Trump insists will become environmentally friendly through the sheer force of his personality. “Coal is just compressed trees, and trees are green. Connect the dots, people!”

As the world grapples with this unconventional approach to environmental policy, one thing is certain: Trump has once again managed to confuse absolutely everyone while remaining completely confident in his solution. “Trust me,” he concluded, “Mother Nature is going to love this deal. She’s going to call me and say ‘Sir, nobody has ever treated me this good before.’”